Scars…

Okay–this post is totally not about writing, or maybe it is….

I’ll first start with the beginnings of a confession and then see how much I can disclose as I go.

So I had an appointment this afternoon. Because, like most women have a shoe thing or a purse thing… Well, I have a dress thing. Let me tell you, I LOVE dresses and other than my general health, my love for them is the reason I exercise. Getting to the point, as it’s way past bed time for me, I have a closet full of dresses that I paid a pretty penny for that many that I have never worn. Why? Because I want the to hang and grip my body perfectly. In my head, I have this image of how they should look on and by golly that’s how I want to wear them!

Sighhhh….

Shall I confess???? I feel a little shamed by it… But I think it’s important that I confess…

So today, I went to go see a plastic surgeon (close eyes to cringe)…

I know… Believe me, I know….

I told him, look, I have a dress thing and I want this little bulge gone. I asked for his opinion. I asked if I go on a workout regimen, say about 20 pounds shaved, can I lose it. He said, possibly. I believed him. But he also mentioned the other problem, which I knew I could have with 20 pounds gone. I can get too sallow looking. I mean that hot yoga was doing a number on my face, which is why I gave it up. I don’t want to be skinny with no muscle tone. And I was seeing my muscles dissolving. Not good. Plus, I don’t want to be “skinny”; I like my body lean. There’s a difference.

So…

The Doctor did his examination and you know this is this guy’s everyday thing when he sees all the scars on your body. Like, dude, really, you can see that? He was like this is from laparoscopic surgery… Of course I said yes, and explained how I had gall stones and thought it was food poisoning and didn’t get to the hospital until after I threw up so hard that my lung collapsed. But that was like seven years ago. This explanation sent him looking for the chest tube scar. Yep, I said, I had the chest tube. And there was another scar, a larger one from another surgery, which he said he could get rid of.

“How?” I finally asked him.

“Oh, I’ll just throw that skin out.”

Dude! I wonder if he saw the gasp in my eyes!

Throw ME out? Throw part of my body in the trash????

I don’t know… It’s just still so disturbing, you know?

Okay… So here’s a story… Maybe 5 years ago, I was biting on something. I forgot what it was but the bond that I have between my front two teeth came out. Yeah, I have a natural gap in my teeth. But I got it closed when I was 18 in Korea and that was a long time ago. Over the years I got used to seeing myself as I am now. Funny though, when I first got the bond, my then boyfriend was disappointed. He said the gap was sexy. (shrug). It probably was but I never did anything to myself because a guy liked it. And I had this problem with it all through childhood, the gap made me feel insecure and the bond made me feel secure. I think if I can go back to 18 today as I am now, I wouldn’t do it. But now, I have the bond and it’s me. Plus, the dentist had to shave my teeth to bond it so, it’s no longer the  same gap that I had as a kid. Anyway… So, the bond fell out and the dentist at UCLA fixed it. But he wanted to shave the front two teeth down to give me this “perfect” teeth smile. And I gave him the same eye gasp, I gave the doctor today. I told him. “But I wouldn’t look like me.”

It’s funny because he hesitated and said, “I guess not,” or something to that effect. I don’t think he was used to people accepting their “imperfections.” Although my teeth are not an imperfection as I like my teeth 🙂 And will NEVER change them.

You know there’s something about my scars, you know?

I want to carry them with me forever. They remind me of where I’ve been, what I’ve gone through, the things that changed me and in the end made me stronger. They remind me of my fears and victories and the resolve I learned I possessed. Sometimes they can remind you of the people who were in your life at that time–the good and the bad and the beautiful and ugly. They say, I’ve lived and I’m living still. And just the fact they’re all healed is a story of my brighter future…

So….

You know.  I don’t want my skin cut from body and thrown in the trash! It’s come this far with me. I feel as if I’m betraying it if I do that. I can’t. I want to be loyal to my body. You know what, a circuit training regimen every day until it’s gone will get me the results I want. You know he mentioned a flat tummy with no skin when I sit. I couldn’t fully process it when he said but I knew I really didn’t want that. Skin is fine. And really I only have an inch and a half to lose. I still want my body to show that I’ve lived you know??? I don’t want to wipe away my experience with a quick fix, artificial results. Doing it the honest way? Well, that’s another life lesson learned! Another VICTORY!

No. I want my scars. And ladies, celebrate yours. And I still don’t want that inch and half bulge that I have when I put on that red Ralph Lauren dress that I found at Off Sax Fifth Avenue for $89.00, regular $499!!!!!  (thought I’d brag on my good find a little) BUT, I don’t want to relinquish any piece of me to get into it quicker than banging it out with the weights and circuit training gets me into the dress and dresses.

It was sobering today. I felt a strong connection to my body after that. I love my body.  And I don’t know about using nips and tucks to erase every painful experience that’s marked on my body. If my marks want to go away, then they’ll make that decision on their own!

Peace. Going to Bed. Excuse the Typos I’ll fix them tomorrow (well, today–when the sun rises and me too)

Z